You may feel unmotivated, unexcited, and unable to open your eyes at your desk. You’re begging for an apocalypse on your commute.
Granted, there are some rather poor jobs out there and managers aren’t always natural born leaders. But if we step back a few years (or a few hundred), you’ll realise that your yearly appraisal isn’t actually the worst day of your life.
1) Leech Collector
It can be tough in an office environment. The window may be sealed shut, the air conditioning may be broken and Sarah has had a cold since last week and refuses to take any time off.
Why not put all of this aside and become a leech collector? You’ll be walking through marshes and bogs using your delicious blood supply as bait for leeches which you’ll sell to the medial profession. It’s not all glamorous though, you’ll routinely suffer from infections and the excessive blood loss will in due course damage your health. But what job comes without a few kinks?
Have you ever wanted to become closer to nature and experience the great outdoors for a living? Become a fuller, and get yourself out of that lifeless office!
Once the shearer has deprived the sheep of their wooly coat, your job will be to saturate it with urine and constantly tread it with your feet. The end result is a lovely piece of cloth that you can be proud of.
You can’t argue that this job takes the p***, it requires you to use it skilfully as a cheap alkaline solution.
3) Violin Maker
If music is more your thing, become an 18th century violin maker. You’ll have the pleasure and pride that comes with being part of the noble art of constructing the instrument of the gods.
The 18th century was a time of religious strife and civil upheaval but you could easily put this to the back of your mind whilst cutting into a dead sheep to recover the lower intestine for use as strings.
Cleaning out the intestines thoroughly and squeezing out the bile by hand is most certainly a doddle compared to creating that presentation for the Oxford account next week. And don’t forget, manually scraping off the blood vessels can be considered therapeutic in some way. Just like ironing, or hepatitis.
4) Match Maker
This job is only suitable for those who are not fond of their jaw bone. People who require the ability to chew need not apply.
Spend your day dipping short pieces of wood into a vat of phosphorus. We know this sounds too good to be true, which is why you’ll be doing it in a room that those unlucky folk outside can’t see. We know they’ll want in on the action.
You’ll learn a lot about efficiency and space-saving measures as the dipping, drying, mixing and heating of the poisonous compounds are all done in this one room alongside you.
A trivial drawback to this position is you’ll likely end up with what the regulars call “phossy jaw” in which you’ll develop a toothache and then your jaw will start to glow because of the phosphorus. It’s a problem easily solved however and the removal of your entire jawbone will eliminate all issues moving forward. Every cloud has a silver lining – at least you won’t be surrounded by chatterboxes! We know you hate it when Paul keeps bringing up his holiday in Tenerife.